Let’s talk about love.
For years, I bought into the idea that love was this magical, all-consuming force that should sweep you off your feet and carry you through life. You know, the kind of love that Hollywood sells—intense, passionate, and always right. But recently, I came out of a relationship that shattered those illusions. It wasn’t easy to admit, but I was living in a fantasy, confusing the idea of love with the reality of it. And that disconnect? It caused a lot of pain.
Here’s what I’ve learned from that experience, and it’s something I want to share with you because I know I’m not alone in this.
Love Is a Choice, Not Just a Feeling
For a long time, I believed love was something that happened to you. You meet someone, you feel the spark, and you just know. But the truth is, love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a choice. It’s a series of decisions you make every single day.
When you’re in a relationship, especially when things get tough, you have to decide whether you’re going to keep loving that person or not. And let me tell you, those choices aren’t always easy. Sometimes, the feelings fade, the passion cools, and you’re left with doubt. That’s when the real work begins.
The Inner Journey of Love
Loving someone isn’t just about what you do for them; it’s also about the journey you take within yourself. I’ve realized that in my past relationship, I wasn’t doing the inner work. I wasn’t looking at my own behaviours, my own patterns, and how they were affecting my partner.
Love requires you to be honest with yourself, to face your fears, your insecurities, and to grow from them. Without that inner journey, love can easily become dysfunctional, as it did for me. I wasn’t just struggling with my partner; I was struggling with myself.
Love Comes in Moments, Not Forever
One of the biggest misconceptions I had was that love should be this constant, unchanging force. But love isn’t a steady stream—it’s more like waves that come and go. Some days, you feel deeply connected and in sync. Other days, you might feel distant or unsure. That’s normal.
What I learned is that love isn’t about being in love every single day. It’s about capturing those moments when love is present and cherishing them, knowing that they’ll ebb and flow.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Love
My relationship was unhealthy, and I couldn’t see it because I was too focused on the idea of love rather than the reality. Healthy love should make you feel empowered, not powerless. It should help you grow, not keep you stuck. And most importantly, it should be built on mutual respect, communication, and the ability to repair after conflicts.
I ignored these red flags because I was clinging to what I thought love should be. But love that drains you, that leaves you feeling less than yourself—that’s not love at all. It’s something else, something toxic, and it took me a long time to see that.
Love Isn’t Always Fireworks
Finally, let’s debunk another myth: love isn’t always about fireworks. Yes, passion is great, but real love often looks more like comfort, companionship, and quiet moments of connection. It’s not always thrilling, but it’s steady and reliable.
I used to think that if I wasn’t head over heels all the time, something was wrong. But now I see that love can be like steel-cut oats—plain but hearty, something that sustains you over the long haul.
My Takeaway
Coming out of a dysfunctional relationship wasn’t easy, but it taught me some hard truths about love—truths that I hope can help you too. Love isn’t what we see in the movies. It’s messy, complicated, and it requires work. But when you make the choice to love, both yourself and your partner, it can also be incredibly rewarding.
If you’re struggling in your own relationship, remember that love is a choice, and that choice starts with you. Look inward, be honest with yourself, and don’t be afraid to redefine what love means to you.
You deserve a love that helps you grow, not one that holds you back.
